Snapple Facts for Falling Out of Love

Snapple Facts For Falling out of Love
            Before the first boy who said he would marry me gave me the OK to move to Florida for college promising he wouldn’t break my heart, I made him, Jessee, a book. Jessee worked at a catering service for Norte Dame events, and the stock room contained crates and crates of delicious Snapple beverages of all flavors. He would always bring me the Peach Tea Snapples home from long events, and of course, half the fun of drinking the delicious Snapple was looking under the cap to see what “Snapple Fact” we got. The book I made him before I left contained my favorite Snapple facts accompanied by cute pictures that matched the subject-matter of the fact. I spent hours collecting the facts and Googling images of porcupines, glass balls, broccoli. I wasted cartons of colored ink to make those pages as colorful as possible, as vivid as the colors on the Snapple labels. I put those pages in a binder, all in page covers. The last page said “I love you always.” Of course, like all high-school romances that are supposed to be carried over to college, he told me he was planning on breaking up with me the night before I left.
Snapple Fact #439: Snails can sleep for up to three years.
            This kind of hibernation occurs during dry periods so that the snail can keep the moisture within its shell. When a snail dries out, it dies. I’d never call my time spent with Jessee a waste of time, or a slumber of sorts, but I guess no one ever does in a relationship at the time. It wasn’t the best time of my life, there were definitely more moments childish high school bullshit dramatics than any real relationship should have, but I wouldn’t have let him go if he said “stay in Indiana. Don’t go to Florida.” We all want to retain that moisture, that life-force to protect us, to stay as long as possible. We’re all snails, clinging to what we can get and hiding under a shell we want to feel alive beneath, or else we wither away and die.
Snapple Fact # 163: The first penny had the motto “mind your business”.
            With the billions of pennies that are in circulation around the world, it’d be a lot more useful to read “mind your business” picking one up off the street, or while collecting the mass amounts of change Jessee had in various positions around the landfill that was his room. Benjamin Franklin made the quote for the penny as a good reminder to money-holders and users to take care of American business and personal business alike. If the penny still said “mind your business” maybe I’d have been reminded more often that I have to make myself happy before I can make anyone else happy. Or that the only person who can help me is me. Or that, really, if everyone kept their two cents to themselves, there’d be less conflict in the world.
Snapple Fact # 150: The first sport to be filmed was boxing.
            Jessee and I both could have used Ben Franklin’s first penny the night he called me a whore, and like the film Thomas Edison first recorded, I looked like a professional boxer who felt sweet release with a first uppercut. I wonder if the boxers in Thomas Edison’s first sport film felt the same blind movements in front of the reeling away of the black and white fight sequence. It was dark in our scene, too, after a night of being out who-knows-where. The reel is set, we stand in front of his house, sky lit up with stars. My right arm swings up, fist scrunched up for the blow. My fisthits the left corner of his jaw. Tears form in his mint-green eyes. He chokes out “we’re done.” A jab swells in my stomach. The reel ends.


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